I thought, "What about missions? I can't afford to fill my tank with gas right now."
I said, "Right now, our budget is so tight, I don't have the luxury of thinking about missions right now. There's no way," I said, then realizing just what I'd said, and added, "We're not going unless God miraculously provides a way."
"Well, I was wondering," she said, "When you guys move, will Raylee go with you? And what about Allie?"
It was a strange--if not surreal--moment, when I realized what she was asking me. She wasn't asking when I'd be going on my next missions trip--but when we were moving to do missions.
Now, that's something.
Right now, I cannot even afford to think about doing much of anything.
My new car payment is sucking what is left of my budget after I pay the house payment each month. With what's left, I pay for my phone, for my school loans, my tithes, and then it's gone.
All gone.
My car will be paid off in five and a half years--and then I'll have nearly $500 more a month to save for something. The house has 29+ more years. My school loan? Probably the same. The checking account I use to pay these bills is in the red every month.
Then, with my second job, nearly half goes to help fund the new Children's building we are raising funds for at our church. Then, I pay my tithes, hope I have enough to pay for Psalm's dance fees, and my Old Navy credit card bill. Every bit I have left goes to gas and supplies for the house. There's not much more--and if there is, I try to take my daughter to the movies on occasion. Right now, because of a gross oversight, the account I use for this is in the red. It may take me three weeks to get in the black.
I have a third job, and what I make from that each month goes to cover expenses I cannot afford otherwise--like the cost of the speeding ticket I received precisely a week ago. I'm hoping that I can save enough from this job to get a new pair of glasses--I desperately need them! I also need a vacuum for the house. And I have a small bill ($50-something) for my last visit to the doctor, when I had the flu. This job is not stable--it's my after-school job and I receive money only when school is in session. I am already praying that I can work their after-school program in the summer.
And missions?
As you can see, there isn't any room for it. Perhaps, in six years, when the car is paid for, but otherwise? It would be a miracle.
Last night, as she spoke to me, I realized she was speaking to me as if a move was imminent. She totally believes we are moving to fulfill our call to missions. It was kind of astounding, actually.
So, this morning, I have awakened with that thought on my mind. Because three years ago, God spoke over Stephen and myself and we were told we would be moving to Ireland. We would start by going in the summers, then move there permanently to help with the church. We really believed God has spoken to us through a Man of God (the former leader of the A/G churches in all of Ireland). And then--nothing. We have heard nothing.
Toward the end of 2014, I felt a calling to start a non-profit organization for children. I know He showed it to me, and He gave me the name for it. I went to the lawyer's even, and met with a friend who had started her own non-profit. I found out I was under-prepared for the realities of what it takes (to start: almost $1000 to file the paperwork!), and though I have shed tears of frustration about it, I still believe in my heart that the calling is there.
In the beginning of 2015, just within the past month, I have felt an urge to go to seminary. I have gone so far as to contact colleges and inquire as to scholarships. But I am in enough debt, and I do NOT want to get FAFSA because the cost of schooling is ASTRONOMICAL. I'm already buried in debt. I cannot incur more.
I remember what one of my spiritual contacts told me one time, years ago: "If it's God's Will, it's God's Bill." And I know how that must sound (because, truthfully, I had to grapple with the meaning of it before I could pass it on), but I believe it's true. Certainly, looking at my financial situation, it must be true. If we are to do ANYthing, He will have to make it possible. We can't move from our house until the kids are grown. We need the space. God blessed us with this home. I have a car payment for nearly six more years. I'm already working three jobs to make it from week-to-week. What else is there?
But if God has truly called us to all of this, I must walk in faith, knowing that He will provide a way where there seems to be no way. I must trust Him.
I don't know what else to do but give it to God.
If He says that we are moving to Ireland, we will, and HE WILL PROVIDE THE WAY.
If He says that I need to start a non-profit for children, I will, and HE WILL PROVIDE THE WAY.
If He says that I need to go to seminary, I will, and HE WILL PROVIDE THE WAY.
I BELIEVE HIM. I TRUST HIM.
And though I am currently in a financially "tight" situation, I will not always be. He knows what lies ahead. He knows from whence my miracles cometh. Amen
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