Monday, October 16, 2017

October Musing: A Poem

Mid-way through October.
God is stirring hearts in our home;
The lake, which has rested placidly,
Is now stirring with movement.

Yes, He is stirring the waters.

Timings are aligning,
There are new words of encouragement;
His Word is illuminating not just our steps
But, now, our paths.

Yes, we can see a trail ahead.

Prayers for this newness,
This leg of the journey;
Whether this be a new chapter
Or a season change.

Yes, He makes all things new.

Getting under His umbrella,
Making sure we are in alignment--
Prayers that intimate an unwillingness
To do any of this without His help.

Yes, He must walk with us.

This is the month of illumination,
Glimpsing what may lie ahead;
This is the month of divine appointment,
Knowing all has been for what awaits ahead.

Yes, we will follow You, Immanuel.

Friday, August 25, 2017

"Ten Years with This Man": Thoughts and an Exciting Announcement!

So...in just a matter of days, Stephen and I celebrate TEN YEARS together, as a married couple, on September 1st.

It's insane to me, when I stop to think about it, how quickly these ten years have gone by!

We have a nine-year-old together; we've bought a house together. We've been in ministry together this entire time. We've gone on mission trips and had many adventures! There have been times, too, rough times, when the relationship was "rough the road," as they say. But we've made it! With God's help and faith and favor, we have made it!

I am so thankful to God for my marriage--and all of the other life blessings He has gifted us with!

And...I've been wanting to give God praise about something in particular that is on the calendar for this fall...and I had a moment to spare and thought I would share it with you all!

Something rather miraculous happened in our finances, and Stephen and I have booked a trip to ROME, ITALY, in November, to celebrate our 10th ANNIVERSARY!!!

We are going for three and a half days, and we couldn't be more excited! (Though I'm actually the WAY MORE EXCITED one! Ha!)

It's just us, and we are getting to go on a tour of the Sistine Chapel and the Colosseum and the Trevi Fountains! Then, we get to run around together and just take a VACAY in one of our Dream Destinations!

I can't express how excited I am about this God-given opportunity!

I never want to forget this. Ever.

GOD DID THIS. He smiled on us, opened the doors, made all of this possible.

(And I mean this with all of my heart! This wouldn't be happening without HIM!)



My Power Verse for the Moment

So...

There are Bible verses that come at JUST THE RIGHT TIME, and they seem to encapsulate the human experience, mine in particular! Ha! THIS IS THE VERSE I have been reminded of, that I can't stop thinking about, because I know I NEED THIS, and I KNOW ITS TRUTH!

It's Deuteronomy 31:8, and in the NIV, it says it this way:

The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.

And...I know I can make it another day, week, year.

Because He is with me. He will not leave me or forsake me. HE GOES BEFORE ME!!! I will not be afraid or discouraged!!!

Musings at the end of August

Wow! What a roller coaster it has been!

I knew it would be, with everything going on--but it was, it certainly was!

So...what has been accomplished:

KIDS CAMP:

Uber-exhausting (primarily due to the heat and daily schedules) but also mind-blowingly INCREDIBLE (watching the girls spiritually GROW and worship and pray for one another!) The night before we went home, we had such a special time with the girls. They had so many questions about the Bible and living for the Lord. I was surprised at their depth and compassion. I was impressed with their love for the Word of God--many of them showed me verses they had underlined during devotion times prior to camp. That night, we got in a big circle and prayed for one another, anointing each other with oil. Later that night, when they were supposed to be going to sleep, I heard one of the girls say she was scared. I paused a moment because I could hear the other girls' voices, encouraging her, and then the tap-tap-tap of their little feet across the floor. I got up carefully and peeked around the corner to see them all in the bed with the little girl, praying with her so she wouldn't be scared. And I went back to bed with the biggest smile and feeling of peace. This week had been worth it. Sweat, absolute bodily exhaustion, frustration, fury (at ill-mannered students and the sponsors who allowed them to be!)--all of it ebbed away at what I saw with my own eyes that the Lord had done.

I wouldn't say this to anyone, but if they needed me next year? Oh, for sure. I'd go.

WEEK-LONG INTERIM CLASS:

I had such a great interim class with the 26-or-so kids who enrolled in Speech 1113 that week. It was such a positive atmosphere. You could feel the Lord moving. Interims are very long weeks--exhaustive in mind and body due to the very long hours necessitated. And, you know, life outside of school doesn't stop. So, I spoke that Wednesday night, of course, and attended Raylee's 15th birthday party that Thursday night, and then packed all day Saturday for the trip out to Anaheim that started on Sunday. At the end of class, I had so many great kids tell me THANK YOU, and that meant a lot. Looking back, I can say that I don't know how I managed to get it all done. But the truth is that I DIDN'T DO IT BY MYSELF. And I can honestly say that I know that I know that THE LORD WAS WITH ME. Through it all.

Something kind of incredible happened during the interim week--so I'll make that announcement on my next entry!

NATIONAL FINE ARTS:

We drove in a brand new church van to Anaheim, CA, during the following dates: August 6-13. Before we left, on two occasions, we gathered and prayed over the van before we left on the trip--and I've got to bear witness to the fact that He kept His hand on us on the journey many times (that I know of!)! There were times I literally saw Him assist us. So many traffic issues alone--He gave us travelling mercies on the entire journey!

God spoke to me many times on this journey, and I even spoke three times at church (after we got back) about many of the things he downloaded into my spirit during this journey. I hope I never forget all of the things he has shown me.

SCHOOL STARTING (and ever since):

Fall Semester 2017 began the day after our return. To say that I was exhausted is an understatement. Still, the Lord has provided. That Wednesday night, I had prepared a message and didn't give it due to the Girls' Ministries promotion service. The Lord ministered in the limited time we had, through the worship service. We all needed it--me, included! Then, Friday afternoon, I received a text that Pastor Keith needed me to speak on Sunday a.m.--and we have two morning services on Sunday! So...Saturday was Psalmie's 9th birthday party at Books-a-Million, and that night, I stayed up and begged the Lord to put His words in my mouth, to show me a fresh word for the people. God came through AGAIN! Although two services is difficult for me (perhaps I will blog about this sometime later), I felt His hand POWERFULLY in the first service. In the second, too, people told me they received a Word from the Lord. And that's what it's all about. That Sunday afternoon, I went to Sallisaw and judged Company Dance auditions for my dear friend, Jordan Riggs.

And then...we were off again, into another week...

And the Lord himself goes before me...

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

It's June...Busy, Busy June...

This summer has been one of the busiest on record--or at least it feels like it!

And the end of summer will be absolutely HECTIC.

The weeks leading up to the Fall Semester include going to Children's Camp with Psalm, teaching an interim speech class, and then road tripping to Anaheim with my family and the National Fine Arts team. In that order. (I don't know what condition I'll be in on the first day of classes that Monday after we return from Anaheim...but I'm sure it'll be INTERESTING! Ha!)

Until then, I'm teaching two days a week, coming in to the office to grade 1-2 days a week, attending church and family events on other dates and most weekends...And I've found time to go to the gym on Tuesdays and Thursdays! I hope I can keep that up during the next semester!

When I think about this summer--all of it--I can't help but be immensely grateful.

I'm spending time with my daughter every day (she voluntarily comes to class with me on Mondays and Wednesdays, and I FULLY REALIZE my time with her is limited). I'm getting to go to church camp with her! I'll get to go to Disneyland with her and ride the "Small World" ride with her, as my mother did with me 30-some-odd years ago! I love making memories with her!

She makes me supremely happy.

Right now, as I write this, I can see her swiveling in her chair, listening to something play on the computer while I wait for students to turn in their assignment for the day. I love seeing her. I suppose it's a mom thing, but I try to steal glances at her because I know she is growing up so fast, so incredibly fast, and I want to try to capture these memories so I can think back on them later...

Tuesday, April 4, 2017

My Homegoing: Thoughts and Wishes

Nobody wants to do this.

And I don't know WHY I'm doing this, other than the fact that my grandfather has been ill--Poppa--and we have been discussing his wishes for his home-going, should that happen any time soon. And maybe it has something to do with the fact that a student told me that one of her relatives who is my age died suddenly from a blood clot that moved and went to her brain. We do not know when it is our time.

I wouldn't worry about it, either, except there are some things I WANT for my own Homegoing, and these are things I fear won't happen unless I specifically say, "THIS is what I want in my Home-going Celebration."

So, here it goes, my current list (started 4/4/17, updated 1/28/19 and updated as needed) of wants for my Homegoing.

1. I want it called a "Homegoing Celebration." I do NOT want it referred to as a Funeral.
2. I want songs sung and played that are uplifting and that reflect who I have become in Christ. (After all, because of my relationship with Jesus, I will be WITH HIM. And this is anything but a sad thing.)
3. A specific song I want sung (by Aaron Williams and Cathy Williams, if they are available) is "The Happy Song." "The Happy Song," I hope it will be noted, is one of my favorite of all-time because IT NEVER ENDS. Rest assured, my praise for what Christ has done for and in me will NEVER end, either.
4. I want someone to discuss how I found myself, my identity, who I truly am in Him, in HIS WORD and in PRAISE. (And I want people to have an opportunity to re/connect to Christ so they, too, can have this FREEDOM IN CHRIST. The tone of the message must reflect the FREEDOM and GRACE and LOVE He gives).
5. I want someone (or more than one, those closest to me) to sprinkle glitter on me in my coffin. I know this sounds a bit bizarre, but I have ALWAYS loved to sparkle, and I want to be sparkling in the grave until He comes to get my body. (If this thing goes down like we think it will, my body will be resurrected, and I want there to be a trail of glitter as I go to meet Him...I am totally NOT KIDDING.) And, if he quickens my body and takes me, leaving my bones in the grave, no matter. My bones are still sparkling.) ANOTHER THING: Please make sure the glitter is PRETTY and GIRLY. I would like to think someone is using rose and purple and gold and silver glitter!
6. I want people to have the opportunity to tell funny stories and serious stories. No judgment.
7. I want people to pray for my family--especially my husband, Stephen, and my daughter, Psalm. I want people to commit to loving my family--especially Psalm, assuring her of the Goodness of God and His Plan for my life and for hers. I need Covenant Church people to commit to interceding for them, and especially for Psalm. My step-daughters, Allie and Raylee, feel things very deeply. Please pray for them, too.
8. I would like there to be a worship service. Where people can stand. ALSO: Songs that mean a lot to me that I would love to include in the Homegoing Celebration: "The Blood will Never Lose its Power"; "I've Just Seen Jesus" (you can play the video of Sandi Patty and Larnelle Harris).
9. I want my family and friends to have preferred seating. (The Williams Family--Keith, Cathy, Aaron, and Josh--and Dana Dinsmore Davis, Paula Reif, Norma Hall, Wanda Harris, Bill/Judy/Megan Day and Roz Newby are my FAMILY. They need to sit with my biological family). My Covenant Church Family and my CASC Family, should all have preferred seating but EVERYONE should know that I love them and GREATLY APPRECIATE THEM.
10. I would love for people to hug each other on the way out and say, "You are Special" and "God Loves You," OR "God made you Special and He Loves you VERY MUCH" (from Veggie Tales) to one another as they leave.

I mean, who really wants to spend time thinking about such things? Me, either. So...on to LIFE and LIVING!

I am thankful for this opportunity! Every day is a BLESSING!

Monday, February 6, 2017

Pre-Lent Fasting: Breaking Through Walls in 2017

I suppose it started with the corporate fast Pastor Keith called at Covenant Church in January.

He called us to fast and food fast for a week.

In my fast, I did the following:

1. Started my MediFast diet plan, for a healthier life--& I am already seeing the results.
2. I stopped watching live TV & fasted Law & Order (I would come home and watch as many episodes that they would play, hour after hour.)
3. I started watching Bishop Jakes AT LEAST once a day and set my DVR to also record Christine Caine and Beth Moore.
4. I fasted Facebook and all social media.

When the week ended, I could already tell my spiritual life was being immediately impacted for the better. So I didn't want to stop.

I've stepped up my Bible reading, and I can feel His anointing on me, in an increased way.

Why would I want to go back?

Although, at times, I wonder if I have done the right thing in fasting social media (I now only get on minimally)--I am missing birthdays and wedding announcements and other cool moments in my friends' lives--but then I think about the trade-off, about how much easier it is to CONNECT with the Lord, to read the Word and feel like I don't have to pray through every time I open it to read it, to pray for people and feel His anointing flow through my vessel into someone else's.

To be closer to God, THAT is my heart. And that is why this fast will continue, for as long as He leads and moves in such ways.

For me, there is no questions about it: MORE OF GOD is my heart's desire.

Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Another Lesson from Poppa's Bedside: Joel 3:10

In his first week's stay at Sparks Regional Medical Center, my grandfather--whom we call "Poppa"--was being attended by nursing staff trying to assess his needs so they could provide proper medical care. It is not always easy to ascertain what the needs are of an elder man who is succumbing to the later stages of dementia.

My mother recounted one particular moment when his nursing staff entered his room during one such assessment:

They were discussing his physical challenges and, Mom said, they kept discussing his lack of strength. "He is weak," "so weak" they would say; indeed, Poppa cannot walk now on his own and is having trouble eating meals of any kind. Most certainly, the combination of these two things alone causes a verifiable "weakness."

But being the Man of God and Man of Strength that my Poppa is, he would not allow such words to be spoken over him.

Momma said that she watched as he lifted his arm and fist fully in the air and declared, with all of the godly stubbornness he could muster, "Let the weak say, I am strong!"

The Scripture he used and had no doubt preached about numerous times in his fifty years of pastoral ministry--and innumerable readings during devotion times alone or with my Grandma--came to the forefront at his hour of need.

What I am learning: We have more strength than we know...and we have infinite strength accessible to us from God through Christ Jesus.

I never want to forget, on one particular visit that first week, how he held my hand in his grip before I left. He held it tightly--with a strength he shouldn't have had--letting me know, in that small way, that he was going to be strong and fight until the end.

No, I never want to forget...because I want to remember ALWAYS that, no matter what happens or what comes my way, I AM STRONG THROUGH JESUS. And the Word of God--that I MUST hide in my heart--will keep me strong when even the "professionals" declare otherwise over my life.

ALL GLORY BE TO GOD.




Monday, January 30, 2017

Poppa's Sermon: A Late-Night Word from the Hospital Bed

My maternal grandfather has severe dementia.

He is 90 and has been in the hospital for the past two weeks. He has undergone, and is currently recovering from, a tumor removal surgery.

This past Saturday, Psalm and I went to visit him. He was "somewhere else" for most of the time. Occasionally, my aunt would call his name and tell him someone new was there to visit. And he would open his eyes for a moment, say hello to the newcomer, exchange a word, and then close his eyes again. Shortly thereafter, he would commence talking to someone else, someone from his past, or he would commence with some task--often seemingly eating and talking to people we could not see.

Occasionally, though, he would open his eyes and say, "Who's here?" And Aunt Sue would go to his side immediately and introduce everyone in the room.

The hour and a half we were there, he welcomed Psalm three times.

I watched my daughter as she would dutifully walk up to the side of Poppa's bed when Aunt Sue summoned. "Psalmie is here. She came to see you, Daddy." Psalm would tentatively, yet lovingly, touch his hand, letting him know she was there.

He would smile and say something to her, and then close his eyes.

Those eyes. Such a beautiful sky blue. Still, after everything, such a beautiful sky blue. Dementia and age could never mask that.

Auntie Sue and my mom are taking turns staying the night with Poppa while he's in the hospital. My grandma can't endure overnight stays, physically speaking, so she comes to the hospital early and goes home late, staying by Poppa's side as long as she is allowed.

As I sat by my aunt on the couch in his room, she told me what had happened one night last week when she and her husband, Uncle Bob, stayed the night with Poppa.

She said that around 1-2 a.m. one morning, Poppa sat straight up in the bed, opened his eyes and said, clearly, "We want to welcome everyone to the service this morning..." Then he looked to my aunt, called her "Sister So-and-So" (she wasn't quite sure whose name he called) and asked her to sing a special. My aunt started humming a song she remembered from the "Red Hymnal," the same church hymnal he/we had sung from for a lifetime. When she finished humming, Poppa thanked her and then asked someone to pray.

Aunt Sue said he got quiet. Not a word or sound. She thought he had fallen back to sleep. But then, Poppa said, "Amen," as if the prayer HE COULD HEAR had ended.

Then he started to preach.

"The message," he told them, had two points. "Get Ready. Jesus is Coming Soon."

Aunt Sue said she watched in awe as he preached the sermon, citing Scripture.

And then he concluded with this altar call: "If you know the Lord, if you have accepted Christ as your personal Savior, this will be a great, great day. If you don't, it will be a very sad day."

Then, after a pause, he said. "I'm tired now," laid his head to rest on the pillow, and went to sleep.

Isaiah 55:11 says, "So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it."

I don't know how YOU have interpreted that Scripture before, but after hearing this story, I can't help but look at that last phrase in a completely new light: "it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it." The Lord GAVE that Word to Poppa, and NOTHING, not even dementia, could keep His Word from taking root in Poppa's mind, prospering him in these moments, this particular chapter, of his life.

Yesterday, at church, I shared this remarkable story. I talked about the time we spend at church, the "Deposits" we've made into our mind, body, and spirit of the Word, and of praise. How these things impact us, ultimately, we may never know this side of Heaven.

But this past week?

I am convinced. I am convinced that this Man of God, riddled with cancer, bed sores, blindness, dementia and frailty, gave the enemy of our souls one hell of a black eye that night.

Know this, devil: The Word Prevails.

The Apostle Paul put it this way in Romans 8: "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, [or DEMENTIA?] or peril, or sword?... Nay, in ALL these things we are MORE THAN CONQUERORS through him that loved us. For I am PERSUADED that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, SHALL BE ABLE TO SEPARATE US FROM THE LOVE OF GOD, WHICH IS IN CHRIST JESUS OUR LORD."

No, no thing shall separate us.

PRAISE THE LORD!!!!

Monday, January 23, 2017

"When the Lord Closes a Door...": The Sound of Music and My Life

"When the Lord closes a door, somewhere He opens a window...," Maria says, as she's off to her new job, sight unseen.

The Lord closed a door for me this week--on that potential missions trip I had looked into. I watched every day for an email response from the missions group, but it was slow in coming. When I finally DID hear back from them, they told me that the missions trip had been closed last fall due to so many wanting to join the trip. (That information had not been properly updated online, however.)

Ultimately, though, I knew in an instant: This wasn't the trip for me.

Interestingly enough, although partly disappointed, something else arose in me.

Currently, I feel an excitement for Things to Come as I have not felt in a long, long while.

Something is brewing.

God is at work.

What He has for me to do this year? I will wait and see--and "jump on it" when I know what that will be!

The lyrics to "I Have Confidence" come to mind this morning as I think about recording all of this. It really encapsulates so much of my thinking right now, my "personal experience" at the moment.

She sings:

"What will this day be like?
I wonder.
What will my future be?
I wonder.
It could be so exciting,
To be out in the world,
To be free!
My heart should be wildly rejoicing.
Oh, what's the matter with me?
I've always longed for adventure,
To do the things I've never dared.
Now here I'm facing adventure
Then why am I so scared?
A captain with seven children
What's so fearsome about that?
Oh, I must stop these doubts,
All these worries.
If I don't I just know I'll turn back!
I must dream of the things I am seeking.
I am seeking the courage I lack.
The courage to serve them with reliance,
Face my mistakes without defiance.
Show them I'm worthy
And while I show them
I'll show me!
So, let them bring on all their problems,
I'll do better than my best.
I have confidence
They'll put me to the test!
But I'll make them see
I have confidence in me.
Somehow I will impress them.
I will be firm, but kind.
And all those children
Heaven bless them
They will look up to me
And mind me!
With each step I am more certain,
Everything will turn out fine.
I have confidence,
The world can all be mine!
They'll have to agree
I have confidence in me.

I have confidence in sunshine,
I have confidence in rain.
I have confidence that spring will come again!
Besides what you see, I have confidence in me.

Strength doesn't lie in numbers.
Strength doesn't lie in wealth,
Strength lies in nights of peaceful slumbers,
When you wake up, wake up!
It's healthy!
All I trust I leave my heart to,
All I trust becomes my own!
I have confidence in confidence alone.
I have confidence in confidence alone!
Besides, which you see, I have confidence in me!"

And I'll leave you (and me!) with that for today!

Sunday, January 8, 2017

First Leap of Faith in 2017

During the second service at church today, I felt the Lord rest upon my mind, start working in my spirit.

I cried for 10-20 minutes, while my pastor was speaking. There I was on the front row, tears spilling down my face. I had to take my glasses off. I couldn't stop crying.

I felt Him dealing with me. I could feel Him showing me some things in my spirit.

Between services, I had spoken to one of my CLOSEST spiritual friends. I had told her about my doubts--that somehow I had come to the point that I thought God had forgotten about my desires, my Calling, my heart for Him. (It has felt for some time that I am limited, unable to follow the calling He has for my life. I've felt at a stand-still, and one thing I fear most is becoming comfortable with my walk for Christ.) And then, there I was believing that I had anything to do with it at all. I just gave it to God.

"I trust You. You know my heart. This is on You. If You want me to stand still and DO THIS (what I'm doing right now) and never do anything else new for the rest of my life, so be it. Your Will be done."

And then the second service happened and He started downloading some things in my heart.

(I will not discuss these things in detail until there is a development.)

Suffice it to say, I left church today with a burden to investigate a potential missions trip to a place I've wanted to go for a long, long time. (And, may I say, it's a place that scares me to death in some respects?!)

All the way home, I prayed, "Lord, let all of the doors open if this is your will. Put it in my husband's heart to agree to let me go if this is Your Will."

When we got home, I shared my heart with Stephen, and he said, "Of course. Why would you think I'd say anything else?"

Thank you, Lord.

Now to figure out who I'm going with to get there...and how I'm going to raise the funds financially to go.

I sent an email to the most unlikely of ministries--a ministry that actually goes on THIS EXACT TRIP that is on my heart this May!!!. There are a million reasons why they may tell me "no"--not the least of which is the deadline for application, which is in 7 days. But, for me, I need to see if this is indeed the group I'm going with.

From there, I will talk to my Pastor and see if I can clear the dates.

And, don't worry...I'll post a Blog keeping track of the journey...

Thank you, whoever is reading this, for the prayers. I will need them, every single one of them, I promise.

God's Will Be Done & May His Presence and Blessings rest upon us,

Me

"God is Mindful of Us": A Word from The Lord

I was told I would do Call to Worship this morning. I'm always thinking and prayerful about what God wants me to present to the congregation. Today, I felt one phrase resonating in my spirit, repetitively: "God is mindful of us." I found the verse to correspond with this phrase in Psalm 8:4: "What is man, that thou art mindful of him? and the son of man, that thou visitest him?" In the NIV, it says: "What is mankind that you are mindful of them, human beings that you care for them?" So, as I do, I went to Strong's Concordance and investigated the word "mindful"--marked, recognized, remember, mentioned, mindful, think on...

I thought that was interesting.

We are marked by Him. Set apart. We are indeed His. The last part (buried toward the end of the entry) was interesting to me, as well--"think on." One version of this verse says He "thinks about" us. But He doesn't just think about us in one thought--He thinks ON us. To me, this is saying that He spends time THINKING ABOUT us. He cares for us.

He IS mindful of us. I shared the fact that I didn't realize God had answered our prayer and song and sent us snow for Christmas. "I'm dreaming of a White Christmas..." Many people I knew were discouraged that it hadn't snowed on Christmas. BUT IT HAD. My friends who attend mainline churches posted about it. It snowed here on January 6, 2017, the 12th Day of Christmas, the Epiphany. It did indeed snow of Christmas!!! When I saw my friends post about this, I thought to myself of the spiritual ramifications:

It snowed. Not on my calendar. But on a calendar I wasn't as familiar with. It was His calendar, so to speak. He did indeed answer my prayer--just on his timeline, not my own.

God is mindful of us.

As I prepared for church and went through two services, I kept witnessing this very thing (evidence of His mindfulness) present itself over and over and over.

And then...

In the first service...Sister Cathy led an older song for us, one called "It's a New Season, It's a New Day." And when she did, I just broke down. I couldn't believe it. This Monday, in early devotions, when I thought my entire world was going to cave in on my head, when I got up at 3 a.m. because I couldn't sleep and started writing devotions to the Lord, He brought that song to my mind. I even thought, "Should I fleece God on this song? Like, that this song will be sung on Sunday? That that will be evidence that He sees me, knows what's going on, etc.? I opted not to fleece Him with that song.

"No. I trust Him. I don't have to fleece Him. I'll fleece Him when I really need to..."

I almost fell down when Sister Cathy started singing it today. After I processed what was going on, I knelt down on the floor, face down, and wept, thanking Him for His faithfulness, His promises, His mindfulness.

I didn't fleece the Lord for that song. But He was showing me that He knew. He had heard my inner dialogue about it all.

Sometimes I feel like the Lord is patting the top of my head, like we often do children.

"I see you," He seems to say. "You're doing fine and you're going to make it."

(I so love Him.)





Monday, January 2, 2017

Bucket List 2017

Ever sit and think about your Bucket List and think, "Do I put down the things I think CAN happen? Or do I include the things I WISH would happen? Or both?"

I guess what I'm pondering, as I type this, is whether or not my Bucket List for 2017 contains only achievable goals--or if it includes the things I WANT to see happen? Do I include both--even though, at the end of this year, not all--or even any--may happen?!?

How do I compose a list when I don't see HOW many things--if not all of them--will ever happen because of the limitations that I foresee? Can my list include things for the future--things I'd like to see this year OR the coming years?

I'm fighting what I see as The Im/possibles.

And yet, this is what I do.

Because ULTIMATELY, my hopes and dreams, my Calling, my aspirations, all go back and are reliant upon The Lord.

I believe with my whole heart that God hears me and sees my heart (and this list!) and He will help me accomplish what is RIGHT and GOOD for me.

So, it is IN FAITH that I write this list for 2017.

My Bucket List for 2017 includes:

1. Continuing to work on my Minister's Ordination--classes/completion.
2. Go on a mini-vacation with Stephen--either to Italy (dream weekend in Rome!) or a cruise.
3. Take Psalm to NYC to see a Broadway show--or two!
4. Go to Israel on a tour of Biblical places.
5. Go on a Missions trip--to anywhere, but also on my heart: India, Ireland, Italy, Israel.
6. Start the non-profit organization that God laid on my heart that will benefit children. (I have NO IDEA how this will be accomplished, exactly what we will do, but I'm wondering if that's just the level of faith He is requiring--or if I need to wait for further direction.)
7. Write and publish a book (or series of books). For children or youth.
8. Lose weight. (Reclaim that part of my life.)
9. Get my groove back.
10. Seek God more, always...More of Him--more love, power, passion, compassion, anointing, etc.
11. Go to Bishop Jakes' church multiple times this year.


Well, that's a start! As God as my witness, may it be a BETTER, MORE FRUITFUL year!

Amen.


Word for the Coming Year: Immanuel

Each year for the past few years, I have asked the Lord to give me a Word or Verse for the coming year.

The first time I remember Him giving me one was several years ago when He told me Ephesians 3:20 would be my life verse. This was my life verse for two years, as I recall. And He was true to His Word. I saw that verse lived out in my life.

Last year, as I mentioned in a previous post, he gave me a Word that was, in effect, the equivalent of "I will sustain you." I remember, at the time, being kind of disappointed and questioning what I'd heard...Surely my Word for the year would be more inspiring, encouraging. No...no "above and beyond what I can think or imagine." It was what my year was going to be all about--survival and making it--with His help.

This year, I have heard very clearly, in my spirit, the word "Immanuel."

GOD WITH US.

So, whether awful times come this year--"GOD WITH US."

Whether good times--"GOD WITH US."

In times of amazing victory--"GOD WITH US."

Through thick and thin, nothing and abundance, He will go with us wherever we shall go. HE IS WITH US through it all. What an amazing Word. What an incredible promise.

I receive that Word, whole-heartedly.

(And I know better than not to receive it--it's my Word whether I like it or not! He knows what lies ahead, He is fully aware of what I am not. He sees what is coming. I choose to trust Him. HE IS WITH ME through it all.)

Immanuel.

Amen.

A Reflection of the Past Year: Goodbye 2016

As I like to do, I want to reflect on the past year as I anticipate the next. It is my hope that, in my musings, I can record thoughts that matter to me as I go forward.

In 2016, I felt the struggle in many areas of my life:

1. Financially, I felt like it was a day-to-day, week-by-week financial experience/struggle. I prayed, literally, for miracle after miracle, day after day, week after week. I can look back on the year and say that God truly heard my prayers and saw us through some very rough patches. Indeed, despite the STRUGGLE, I saw many MIRACULOUS occurrences that sustained us--from gifts from people who had NO IDEA of our situation, to dance scholarships for my children, God provided in only a way that HE can--miraculously, lovingly. I CAN say that we made it through because of Him. We are still in our house, and I'm still driving my car, because of Him. He has sustained me, us. Finances weigh heavily upon my mind and impact me emotionally (and are connected to every part of my life). What I am learning and have learned is that, no matter what, God goes before me. He will take care of me. While I haven't lived in the "more than enough," I have lived in the "I have enough." I think of what the Apostle said, "In whatever situation I find myself...I have learned to be content." (my paraphrase)

2. Spiritually, too, especially in ministry, I felt the struggle. Many weeks, I felt like a sleepwalker (not streetwalker! Ha!). It felt like, mostly, I was showing up and just trusting God to see me through. I battled myself in my mind, in my energy, in my spirit. Weeks went by speedily, and I felt as if I didn't have time to properly digest or process the nutrition I needed from Sunday morning sermons, etc. I would read a daily devotion or verse and feel like I swallowed it down whole, hoping it would properly (or even remotely) digest. For weeks at a time, I felt like I was the one in last position at a race, running my heart out, never getting a moment to stop and smell the roses or enjoy what I was doing. However, GOD SAW ME THROUGH. I am not dense--I realize there are "seasons" to our lives, and that this was one of mine. It was, in retrospect, a race for survival. And with God's help, I did. I made it through, intact. He would pour His precious anointing on me when I felt furthest from it. He gave me "words" of wisdom and "vision" when everything as I knew it was "closed down," on hiatus.

3. Home Life. Balancing home life and three jobs (CASC, Church, After-School) is a challenge for anybody, I'm sure. But I attempt to do it because of financial necessity and what I would call a most definite "call" to do them all. However, I have learned that this many jobs causes strain at home. I try to conserve my energies, to make sure I have time and energy for my family when I get home, but that isn't always the case. Many times in the past year, I have failed miserably, coming home and falling into bed. It's a drain, especially when there's no money to go on a vacation that matters, to spend time refueling. I am tired. I have been tired all year. It's exhausting. I NEED a break, honestly. And there's no time for that. Or money. It wears on me, and because it wears on me, it impacts everyone. Thank the Lord for the wonderful woman at church who comes twice a month to help me clean house. She helps me tidy the obvious--she helps with dishes, mopping, dusting...all those things I don't have time or energy for. And the job blesses her finances and her home. I praise God for that. I have many regrets, though, about the way I spent my at-home time last year, and I need to do better about that in the coming year. My family is MOST IMPORTANT. I must be the functioning glue that holds it together. I can't afford to be too tired for long! :)

4. Missions Work. I still haven't applied for the non-profit organization because I'm not sure I have a clarity about what I'm supposed to DO. I have many questions and even misgivings about what I'm to do. At times, I can see the vision again, in my spirit, but at other times, especially when reading about all of the responsibility, I can't help but think, "When do I have time to do this?" or "How on earth can I accomplish this full-time pursuit on top of everything else I'm doing?" I need to fast and seek God about this again. I need His input. I need clarity, and boldness (if necessary) to do what He is calling me to do. I also need help. I used to criticize Moses when I read of him asking God to let Aaron help him in his calling. I totally get it now. I get a lot of things now. Ha. On a serious note, I haven't been on a missions trip in a while, and it is really wearing on me. I'm not saying that I've missed the will of God, but I am saying that I'm supposed to do more than I am doing now. I'm called to do more than what I did last year. (But how do I BALANCE it all?!?!)

Every year, I ask God for a "word" or a verse from him for the year ahead. Though I can't remember the exact phrasing He gave me in 2015 for 2016, I remember He said that He would sustain me. And He has. He knew what was coming. My struggles weren't a surprise to Him. He knew all along and He was there for me through it all. I give Him praise. I survived the year BECAUSE He sustained me. And I Bless God for that.