As I like to do, I want to reflect on the past year as I anticipate the next. It is my hope that, in my musings, I can record thoughts that matter to me as I go forward.
In 2016, I felt the struggle in many areas of my life:
1. Financially, I felt like it was a day-to-day, week-by-week financial experience/struggle. I prayed, literally, for miracle after miracle, day after day, week after week. I can look back on the year and say that God truly heard my prayers and saw us through some very rough patches. Indeed, despite the STRUGGLE, I saw many MIRACULOUS occurrences that sustained us--from gifts from people who had NO IDEA of our situation, to dance scholarships for my children, God provided in only a way that HE can--miraculously, lovingly. I CAN say that we made it through because of Him. We are still in our house, and I'm still driving my car, because of Him. He has sustained me, us. Finances weigh heavily upon my mind and impact me emotionally (and are connected to every part of my life). What I am learning and have learned is that, no matter what, God goes before me. He will take care of me. While I haven't lived in the "more than enough," I have lived in the "I have enough." I think of what the Apostle said, "In whatever situation I find myself...I have learned to be content." (my paraphrase)
2. Spiritually, too, especially in ministry, I felt the struggle. Many weeks, I felt like a sleepwalker (not streetwalker! Ha!). It felt like, mostly, I was showing up and just trusting God to see me through. I battled myself in my mind, in my energy, in my spirit. Weeks went by speedily, and I felt as if I didn't have time to properly digest or process the nutrition I needed from Sunday morning sermons, etc. I would read a daily devotion or verse and feel like I swallowed it down whole, hoping it would properly (or even remotely) digest. For weeks at a time, I felt like I was the one in last position at a race, running my heart out, never getting a moment to stop and smell the roses or enjoy what I was doing. However, GOD SAW ME THROUGH. I am not dense--I realize there are "seasons" to our lives, and that this was one of mine. It was, in retrospect, a race for survival. And with God's help, I did. I made it through, intact. He would pour His precious anointing on me when I felt furthest from it. He gave me "words" of wisdom and "vision" when everything as I knew it was "closed down," on hiatus.
3. Home Life. Balancing home life and three jobs (CASC, Church, After-School) is a challenge for anybody, I'm sure. But I attempt to do it because of financial necessity and what I would call a most definite "call" to do them all. However, I have learned that this many jobs causes strain at home. I try to conserve my energies, to make sure I have time and energy for my family when I get home, but that isn't always the case. Many times in the past year, I have failed miserably, coming home and falling into bed. It's a drain, especially when there's no money to go on a vacation that matters, to spend time refueling. I am tired. I have been tired all year. It's exhausting. I NEED a break, honestly. And there's no time for that. Or money. It wears on me, and because it wears on me, it impacts everyone. Thank the Lord for the wonderful woman at church who comes twice a month to help me clean house. She helps me tidy the obvious--she helps with dishes, mopping, dusting...all those things I don't have time or energy for. And the job blesses her finances and her home. I praise God for that. I have many regrets, though, about the way I spent my at-home time last year, and I need to do better about that in the coming year. My family is MOST IMPORTANT. I must be the functioning glue that holds it together. I can't afford to be too tired for long! :)
4. Missions Work. I still haven't applied for the non-profit organization because I'm not sure I have a clarity about what I'm supposed to DO. I have many questions and even misgivings about what I'm to do. At times, I can see the vision again, in my spirit, but at other times, especially when reading about all of the responsibility, I can't help but think, "When do I have time to do this?" or "How on earth can I accomplish this full-time pursuit on top of everything else I'm doing?" I need to fast and seek God about this again. I need His input. I need clarity, and boldness (if necessary) to do what He is calling me to do. I also need help. I used to criticize Moses when I read of him asking God to let Aaron help him in his calling. I totally get it now. I get a lot of things now. Ha. On a serious note, I haven't been on a missions trip in a while, and it is really wearing on me. I'm not saying that I've missed the will of God, but I am saying that I'm supposed to do more than I am doing now. I'm called to do more than what I did last year. (But how do I BALANCE it all?!?!)
Every year, I ask God for a "word" or a verse from him for the year ahead. Though I can't remember the exact phrasing He gave me in 2015 for 2016, I remember He said that He would sustain me. And He has. He knew what was coming. My struggles weren't a surprise to Him. He knew all along and He was there for me through it all. I give Him praise. I survived the year BECAUSE He sustained me. And I Bless God for that.
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